I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize