he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
