It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
