the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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