You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize