Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
