Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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