i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
