I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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