never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That accounts for only three of the penises
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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