I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
