your parents love me but you hate me
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
