What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if only i could text you this smell
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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