I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
