You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
