Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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