there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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