two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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