we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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