the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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