So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he thought i was a dude.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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