sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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