**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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