You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
is wine microwaveable?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This toilet bowl is my home.
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