are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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