Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
