my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
