Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
