how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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