Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
