i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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