This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
