Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
