You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
