Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize