Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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