I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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