Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
