Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
