You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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