I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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