I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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