There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
