the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
