1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
