areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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