cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize