Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
