i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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