Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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