One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
