I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
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