Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
