my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm like, not good at living.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
