I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
