I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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