i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize