dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
