My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
