On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
