I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
