sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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